Moon in Capricorn

Winter lost me
In an uncharacteristic warmth
Set my imagination ablaze
Sent me chasing wild horses again
Through meadows of memories
And pure fiction

All of the lines disappear
So that your face becomes so clear
I can almost see your breath
On the basement window pane
Upon inspection just frost
from the night before

I wake up
and stay wrapped in dreams of you
Till my day is just wasted
On treasured slices of a sweeter time
And I still hold your invisible hand
In public just to get under your skin

Then I hear the present calling
From far away I am ripped from the smoke and mirrors
Hurtled back into today
Staring hard at the patterns in the ceiling tiles
Wrap my mind around here and now
After traveling all of those miles

Winter lost me
In a fiery madness
Reminds me of that time on the Gulf
Where I forgot to be self conscious
Because I was entranced by the frantic tiny clams
Burrowing bravely beneath swirling sand

February is galloping in
Sweeping me up without my permission
But she meets no resistance from me
I will let her carry me
Through the whispers carried on icy air
I close my eyes and I find you there.

—
Leah R. Chatterjee

Another one for Beth

Every now and then
You come back to me
On a gentle breeze
In the haze of a dream
A whisper in the air
I can feel you there
In the sun in the glare
Some days I see you everywhere

Every now and then
You return to me
Through a thinning veil
In a cloud’s soft trail
In moments where I fail
To bottle up what’s there
And my grief sets sail

Every now and then
You come back to me
In lines of poetry
In the moon pulling on the sea
In every melody
I hear you sing to me

Every now and then
You return to me
Answer my aching plea
Try to comfort me
Try to help me see
You’re with me endlessly

Every now and then
You come back to me
I can feel you there
Heavy on the air
Bright like a warning flare
Sometimes I see you everywhere

Every now and then
I can hear your voice singing
Hear your last choice ringing
Feel the light you’re bringing
See you in the pattern on the beads I’m stringing
Feel the sadness stinging

Every now and then
I want to understand why
I let my feelings fly
I sink low and rise high
You’ll never really die
I try to say goodbye

–leah r chatterjee

Zzzzzzzz

What if all you had said was true
and I really was madly in love with you?
Would your harsh words still come out
and would your intelligence crumble down
like some silly creative sound
just jumbled on the ground
Would your syllables still matter
before, during, even after

What if all you had said was true
and the world really did revolve around you
and you really were important and proud
instead of just uneducatedly loud
Would my heart still break in two
just at the mere thought of you?
and would the angels all fall down
every time your lips curved to frown

What if all of your stories came true
and I really was in love with you
and everything you touched was gold
and your beauty was too much to behold
Would the birds come settle down
and perch upon the frozen ground
and would all of the world’s precious gravity
collapse in the wake of your presence’s brevity

I wonder if all that you said was true
what would actually happen to you
Would you finally break in two
and split up all that you do
What if I could hold all of your words in one hand
and smash them into a ball
All of your lies and your misspelling and plans
I could throw against a wall
Would you suddenly disappear
if all that you uttered became so clear
would you have to start from the beginning
to finally see what you haven’t been winning

I wonder what would happen to you
if all of your lies overnight became true…

–leah ruthe

the saddest night

When I read your news today
that his heartbeat slipped away
I felt my heart slow to almost nothing
I am still shaking with rage or something
Something I cannot describe or define
a pain that I feel is not even mine
I wish that I could hold you now
transfer some warmth to you somehow
Fill your life with all of the bright lights
take away all of the sorrow-filled nights
because they are sure to come
and I am somehow numb
I can only shed my selfish tears
and type words and hope you’ll hear
If I could pluck every star in the sky
and steal every noise for just one night
I would do this for you so that you could see
how much you mean to all of us, to me…

All my love,
leah

I still can’t shake the feeling

that I was born in the wrong time and place

All of the glances I’ve been stealing

just simple glimpses of my own face

These small slivers of sunlight that spill

through cracks between the leaves

Stabbing brightness, but all is still

Tugging gently at my sleeves.

The eerie blue of the LED lights

and my breath on the window pane

the echo of friendly fights

a crumpled origami crane…

Creative bursts left in piles

scattered ’round the room

Just remembered smiles

that somehow escaped the broom.

And Autumn whispers sad reminders in my ears

“Winter’s coming, light is fading, let go of all your fears.”

Words like “crisp,” and “longing,” pass from many lips

and cider seeps in through slurps and greedy sips.

I do not mind the moon as it is brightly calling

I dread the landing, but can enjoy the falling.

–Leah Ruthe Chatterjee

twenty-four

I still remember the blood sometimes

but I only see and feel it in my dreams

I can still hear your music playing

even behind my wrenching screams

Twenty-four was three lifetimes ago

before I knew about pain

My knuckles knew before I did

that I would never be the same

I still have dreams about loving you

they just keep on replaying

an imprint of you that stays in my soul

a firmly rooted tree that is always swaying

And though I know that you will never be

the way you were that time

I won’t forget the rocks by the river

that night that you were mine

And while I’ll always move forward

to wherever I’m headed to

I will never fully forget

or truly let go of you.

—

leah r. chatterjee

that little light

Last night I felt just like that little magnolia tree
Just a small, wispy thing without much root in the ground
I swayed a little precariously
Squeezing tightly the small pebbles my best friend found
And somewhere in the darkness there
Some small light sought me out and found me
Just a little glimmer of a shining thing
It wrapped its tiny rays all the way around me
And just like that baby magnolia, who never did fall down
Even when the heavy winds were blowing
That little light crept into me and settled down
reminding me that I, too, will keep on growing.
–leah ruthe chatterjee

Still with the ponies

Counting my breaths like counting sheep
But I don’t find sleep
I find you instead
still in my head
I’m still just the crazy woman who talks about ponies
you’re missing the point, I am calling all phonies
In my mind you are all just one and the same
with a singular name
just playing a game
And my mantra became:
I am too old for this
I’m too old for this
I am changing it back to the first
remind myself of the original verse
You’re all smiles and lies
just circling flies
showed me the very worst way to get wise
But I’m bringing it back to the ponies
calling all phonies
Letting go of being too tired for this
I’m so tired of this
Like your poison kiss
I’m in touch with it
taking out my shovel
and clearing out bullshit
It’s not about you anymore
not about how I’m sore
how I’m constantly looking for more
I’m content with peace
with honest belief
lining my heart with the warmest fleece
I’ll always bring it back to the ponies
it’s a good strategy for calling out phonies
people with ulterior motives and plans
it’s been happening now for several lifespans
Where did all of the sincerity go?
How do I close that proverbial window?
The same way I close my eyes and I suddenly know:
This is why I always bring it back to the ponies
they separate the beauty from the utter phonies
Everything in my life now is good and true
I’ve let go of everything save the memory of you
I learned my lessons in the hardest ways
and now I lean back and watch the willow as it sways
branches that nearly sweep the ground
look at all of the shining light we’ve found
small little steps that became giant leaps
I am no longer counting sheep
I’m just breathing in and exhaling doubt
clearing everything extraneous out
Remember when you asked “what’s the deal with the ponies?”
I didn’t know then that you walked with the phonies
My mantra can’t be “I’m too old for this”
with a boo and a hiss
it’s a bitter bliss
Instead I’m going to keep staring at the stars and the moon
keep watching all of my friends like flowers bloom
try to have a moment of peace by high noon
And you can think I’m crazy
but that’s just lazy
the truth is that my surface has not been scratched
and only a tiny fraction of my thoughts have hatched
and every time you wince when you hear the word “pony”
just remember it’s because you’re a big old phony.
I am just lying here counting my breaths like sheep
and by the end of it I will find more than sleep
I’ll find the beginnings of a beautiful peace
find comfort in the most simple belief
that if I try to put love up on the shelf
I will miss out on the good in everything else
So keep counting sheep
till they fade into sleep
and wake up in a life
that was once but a dream.
—
leah ruthe